Brian Regan - LIVE! Transcript

Thanks to some Brian Regan Group volunteers, I'm pleased to offer a complete transcript of the Brian Regan Live! CD! Thanks volunteers!!!! If a clip is not done and does not have a volunteer for it, you may volunteer. Just send me an email!

Disclaimer: Obviously, this written interpretation of spoken word does not do the CD justice. This is really intended for the fans of the CDs that just aren't sure what's being said in certain sections, or just want to reminisce about their favorite bits. If you've never heard the CD, reading it will not do it justice. You need to listen to the CD with a friend, go see Brian Regan live at a comedy club near you, or buy the CD. Then, the below will make a lot more sense.

#	Track Name	Volunteer	Clip	Done?
1	You Too & Stuff	Laura	Clip	Yes!
2	Hooked on Phonics	Elaine		Yes!
3	Crank Calls	Laura		Yes!
4	Stupid in School	Laura		Yes!
5	Lousy in Little League	Phillip		Yes!
6	Monster Truck Drivers
7	Horns & Windshields	Ryan
8	Seatbelts
9	Log Trucks	Dawn		Yes!
10	Blasting Zone	Gabe		Yes!
11	Evil Knievel	Gabe	Clip	Yes!
12	Fishing on TV
13	Whale Noises
14	Flipper & Gentle Ben
15	Belly Buttons
16	Kid's Party Games
17	Big Family Stuff
18	Peanut Butter & Jelly	Gabe		Yes!
19	Donut Lady
20	Health Club Stuff
21	Spider Webs & Bees
22	Elevators & Faces
23	Animals
24	Dog Barking

Alright! How you doing, folks? It looks like you’re all sitting there…Hey, pal, you got some jokes? Why don’t you start crankin’ ‘em out, circus boy?

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!”

“You, too! You, too, you have a nice flight, too…in case you ever fly someday.” Don’t anybody look at me; I’m a moron. Don’t know when to say the “you, too” phrase. I can’t handle it.

“You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” That’s all I’m trying to say. That’s all that I’m driving at. Really…if you think about it. That’s all. I don’t know what I’m saying.

Do you ever start to say something and in the middle of what you’re saying you decide to say something else completely? There’s already words out there. These friends were leaving the other day and I started to say “Hey, take care,” and I decided to say “Good luck” instead like half way through, so it came out neither.

“Take…luck! Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck that you might have…if you have luck, take it, care for it. TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT WHEN YOU TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT…[continues to yell nonsense words – lots of ‘em].” You’re sure to see them again.

[Friend saying:] “Say, how do you know that guy back there?” “You know him, Bill?”

I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I don’t stop to think. Oh, no!...words are coming out…oh, no…I’m not thinking…what is that? Like I met this woman recently; I could have sworn she was pregnant, lemme tell ya. [crowd moans] I know, now. I think the rule is: Don’t guess at that ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever. Something like that. I didn’t have enough evers memorized. So I said, “When’s that …b…aby due?” You ever feel a word coming out but it’s too late to stop it? Whoa! It’s coming out and loud… “Hey, when’s that BABY due? BABY!”

“OOOooo…At the zoo…the pandas….I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we’d talk about them…talk about the fluffy zoo animals. I hear they’ve got ‘em over there. You can go look at ‘em if you want, and touch ‘em.”

Have you ever guessed somebody’s gender wrong? There’s no recovering from that. You’ve just gotta move on because you ain’t wrigglin’ out of nothin’. “Hey, excuse me, sir.”

People spell their name however they want,it has nothing to do with phonics or nothing.I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. Shes got a problem with it apparently. Have you seen that commercial? "Hooked on Phonics worked for me" She's adorable, ya' know.
I was thinking, wouldn't that be weird if she was applying what she learned and she couldn't get the commercial straight ,ya' know?

" Hoookid on fff-hhonicks wer-kid for meh". "HHooookid on FFF-HHonicks wer-kid for meh, meh!".

"Okay,CUT!!!"
"You talk to her,man""We ain't gonna move a lot tapes this way, I'm tellin ya' right know".

Anyway I met his woman, her name was ah, Amy, you know, so I go Oh," A-M-Y?"
She goes no," A-Y-M-I-E".

"OoOoOoaahh!""I have to take a nap"
" I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7,the letter Q,--"Brennemenahgah!!!","Look at my name tag,it's,it's big.

I was a pretty stupid kid, also. I used to get talked into making crank calls. My older brothers and friends would just stand around me. “OK, Brian, make some crank calls. Make some crank calls.” And I’d get all nervous and mess them up.

“Um…Do you have frog legs? No, no, do you serve ‘em? No, do you have ’em? YOU’RE STUPID!”

“Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls. Do another one. Concentrate!”

“Is your refrigerator running?...It’s not…oooh…(whispers to brothers) it’s not…it’s not. No, it’s not. (back on phone) OK, you have a good day now. You take luck.”

“Do you have Prince Albert in the can? You do? Well then, you better take him out because he…is…suf-o-cat-ting. He wants to know what that…” “Hang up!” “YOU’RE STUPID…YOU STUPID PERSON!”

I don’t know. I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot but nobody else knew. When the spelling bee day popped up…

[Announcer:] Alright, kids, up against the wall. It’s time for public humiliation.

Spell a word wrong—sit down in front of your friends. That’s great for little egos. “Hey, look at me. I’m a moron. I wasn’t even close. I was usin’ numbers and stuff.”

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.

First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.”

I remember my teacher asked me, “Brian, what’s the ‘i’ before ‘e’ rule?”

‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’
and when sounding like ‘a’
as in neighbor and weigh
and on weekends and holidays
and all throughout May
and you’ll always be wrong
no matter what you say.”

“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything. Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”

“No, Brian, no. Let’s try another one. Irwin, what’s the plural for goose?”

“Moosen! I saw a flock of MOOSEN! There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. The meese want the food in the woodesen…food is the eatenesen…the meese want the food in the woodesenes…food in the woodesenes.”

I think the worst day was the day the science project was due. Waking up that morning…that was fun, huh? Your head would pop off that pillow, “Oh, no! That’s due today.” I had nine months to work on it; I did nothing. I have a cardboard box of boxen. And you’d show up; you’re scared because you don’t have anything good and you find out all the other kids their parents made theirs for ‘em. I hated that, yanno? They’re backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano…he didn’t know how to zip up his own pants but he built a volcano. “How’d you swing that?”

I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something.

“Well, it’s a cup with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there.”

So she went to this one kid; there’s a kid in my class who made the same solar system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangars. “Hey, you’re breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.”

Aughh! My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into little league baseball. I played out in right field.Cause - I - STUNK! But, you don't know. You just show up, y'know. Uhh, I got my glove! "You any good? I don't know, my mom told me to come out here. "Well, get out in right field." "OK!" "Turn around, ya moron!" "Oh, OK!" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, only SOME! Some way!" I never knew what was goin' on out in right field. All I knew is at the end of the game, I'd get a free sno-cone. That's all I knew, y'know. Be out there, "Ahh, free sno-cone, free sno-cone!"

"FREE SNO-CONE! Free sno-cone at the end of the game! If you play, they're gonna give you a free sno-cone! Even if you play half game, you get the whole.You don't get half sno-cone, you get a whole sno-cone for half the game.Ehh! The people that play WHOLE game get a WHOLE sno-cone, and the people that play HALF game get a WHOLE sno-cone. So it's always WHOLE.always WHOLE sno-cone. So I.I'd rather play HALF game.I'd rather play half game.Still get the whole sno-cone."

"GRAPE! I'm gonna get Grape! Or, Cherry! They're both favorites. So, either one is good. If they have both, I'll get Grape, though, cause that's a little more favorite. But, if they don't have Grape, it's like, 'Oh, that's fine, cause Cherry's favorite anyway, y'know.' It's like..it's like ANOTHER favorite, but not as much.not as MUCH favorite.but, they're both good.they're BOTH good."

The second baseman would give me signals to get me involved in the game, y'know? He'd like, y'know, put his outside fingers up.

"OK, Brian. Got two away! two away, Brian!" I didn't know what he was talkin' about. "OK!" "Brian, two away!"

Then our coach would yell from the dugout every now and then, y'know, "Hey, guys! Let's hear some chatter out there.Let's hear some chatter!"

What are we.Rabbits? "Chucka-chucka-chucka-choo! Chucka-choooooohh! Chooohhh! Chuckaahooohh! Ooohhh! Ooooohhh!" Might as well have been, y'know. Chattering is saying, "Hey, batter-batter!" over and over again. I don't think I've felt like more of an idiot in my whole life. Out in the field, goin', "Hey, batter-batter! Hey, batter! Hey, batter-batter! Hey, batter! Hey, batter! HEY, BATTER!! Hey! Hey, batter, BATTER, batter, hey! Hey, hey, coach, is there a point to this?" What is that, for the batter's benefit? "Hey, batter-batter!" "Hey, fielder-fielder!" "Hey, batter-batter-batter!" "Hey, fielder-fielder-fielder!" They're communicating!

And, as the ball got to him, we were all supposed to lean in and go, "Hey, batter-batter! SWING!!" Like he couldn't get a hit when you yelled that. "Uhhhhhaughhh! Aughhh! Guy's like, swingin' up! "Did you hear what they yelled, coach?"

If that's fair, they should do that in all adult sports, y'know? I'd like to see that out on the golf course. Y'know, "Hey, golfer-golfer! Hey, golfer-golfer! Golfer! PUTT! Putt, golfer! It's right there! PUTT!" "What the hell's the matter with ya, Ralph?" Ahh, I'm just tryin' to make it fun." Why do you learn that? Are you supposed to apply that later in life? "Hey, lawyer-lawyer! Hey, lawyer-lawyer-lawyer! Hey, lawyer! SUE! Sue, lawyer! Bus driver-bus driver! Drive! Drive! Shift, bus driver!" "What the hell's the matter with you?" " I learned that as a kid. I was just applying it."

The only compliment I ever got in little league baseball was, "Good eye, Brian!" "Good eye, Brian!"

"Good eye." They would say that when you were too scared to even consider swingin' the bat. The ball would graze your head at about a hundred miles an hour, "Auughhh!"

"Good eye, Brian!" Oh, thank you! What did I do?!" "You moved your head out of the way of the fast ball!" "Oh, good, good. I'm glad I did that. I almost didn't, but then I did. Go team! Go, team, go!"

I used to get scared gettin' up to bat. And, what made it worse was the kids out in the field, on the other team.I don't even know these kids, and they're all out there yellin', "Easy out! Easy out! Everybody move in! Easy out!" How do you handle that when you're nine years old? "Hey, they're walkin' towards me!" The outfielders are playin' in on the clay. The infielders are goin' through my pockets. "Easy out! Easy out! I'm like goin', "Hey! That's my gum!"

I played softball this last year. I struck out in slow-pitch softball. Let me tell ya somethin', there's not a whole lot more humbling in life than striking out in slow pitch. Walk back to the dugout, y'know, and your teammates are older than little league.they try not to laugh, but it's kinda hard not to. You sit next to them, and they're goin' "hehehe." What can they say? "Wow. Ah, he throws a wicked twelve foot arc. It's hard to hit in only three tries. It should be a bigger ball.should be a kickball! We should play ten-strike kickball! Y'know? Tha-That's what it is." They call it SOFT-ball. Makes it sound like it harmless, y'know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go, "Hey! That's downy soft! That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that.that's blood light! We're playin' softball! We're all gonna float around like angels!"

You see weird things driving. I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes you’ll be out on a highway, you’ll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . .you’d think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . . you have logs . . . but I was told . . .we got an order for them . . . logs . . . bring logs . . . it’s what I did . . . I brought the logs.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, “Blasting Zone Ahead”. Wow! Shouldn’t that read, “Road Closed”?!? What do you mean, there’s a Blasting Zone? What am I supposed to say? “Hey, you might wanna buckle up, Blasting Zone coming up. Yeah, just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah, I think we’re <explosion> OH! We’re getting close! <explosion> OH! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one? We lost Billy?!? Sometimes the zones are open…

Although I like the daredevil thing, ya know. I used to enjoy watching Evil Knievel and… I feel bad for him now. He’s a little older, he doesn’t jump. But he always does these, uh, talk shows, and every time he does one, they wanna show him that footage where he fell off the motorcycle and bounced around like 83 times. That’s what they show him! “Hey, do you remember that day Evil?” <trailing off> “Oh, nooo. I don’t remember...” And they always ask him what he was thinking right before he hit the ground. What kind of question is that? “What were you thinkin’ right before you hit the ground ,Evil? What were ya thinkin’?” “I remember thinkin’, ‘Hey, did I turn off the iron?’ Then my leg cracked in half, then I was thinkin’, ‘Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?’ What do you think I was thinkin’?!? I was thinkin’ ‘AAAAAHHHHHHHH!! AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHH!!’ Sutin’ like that, if I remember right. Lemme go back… yeah, yeah!! ‘AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!’ I believe those were my thoughts!! I hope I’ve crystallized them for you?”

We used to love peanut butter… still do. I saw something in the store the other day that I don’t understand, that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean… I mean I’m lazy, but… I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, “You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I’m not gonna open TWO jars! I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars… cleaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?!” If you’re that lazy, why not put croutons in there and get the whole sandwich on a spoon. You know, just scoopin’ it out… “Mmm…Oh, scrumptious!! I think I’m gonna have another one. Uh, mmmmm… DELECTABLE!! As was the first!” Or if you don’t wanna clean the spoon, you put it all in a squeeze bottle. “Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!!”